Insomnia
by Flightless Wings
Summary: Jade can never look at Tori the same way. Not after seeing things she should never have seen. Tori has no idea. Rated T, M later.


**_Disclaimer: Characters are Dans_**

_Tears are made when you stare at the doorknob so long that your eyes bleed. When the backtrack of your thoughts is the sound of tears hitting paper. Have you ever tried to hold back tears? You manage okay for the first couple minutes, then one nasty little thing escapes down your cheek and the rest come tumbling down._

_They tell me I'm too young to know for sure, but you're the only thing I'm sure of. I didn't get to choose if I was born a girl or a boy, and I didn't get to choose if I fell in love with you. They say I'm a mistake for the way that I feel, but I'm not the one making a mistake. How is love wrong? Why shouldn't I be able to love you if I don't have a dick?_

_I'm sorry. I know how much you hate it when I use vulgar language. Why should I have to pretend to love someone that I don't just to please everyone else? What if there really is something wrong with me? What if I'm crazy? I know what you think I'll say. That I'm crazy for you. That isn't true. I'm insane. People are afraid of me. The fear feels good because if they fear me, how can they hurt me? Then the moment I let you in, I get hurt. It hurts even more to realize how different things would be if I could put on a strap on and call myself a boy._

_I love you because you care for everybody. I love you because of your voice, and your eyes, and your smile. If you want to know the simple truth, the one thing I don't love you for is the fact that you're a girl. Why does it have to matter so much? Why do they have to whisper behind our backs and make us feel like shit?_

_I'm sorry, Tori. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough, and I'm sorry that I never will be. I'm sorry that he hit you, and I'm sorry that they made you cry. I tried to be there, Tori, but they pushed me down and kicked me to the point that I couldn't reassure you that things were going to be okay. I should have lied and said it would be._

_Tell me what I'm supposed to do now, Tori. Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me when I needed you the most? Why did I leave you when you needed me? How am I supposed to breathe any more when all the air in the world has been replaced by the sharp words of people who just don't understand?_

_Your mom won't even look at me and your dad is who knows where. I'm here in the dark, staring at this doorknob and praying that maybe this is all just a nightmare. That this is all just a nightmare. That this is all just a-_

_"Jade. It's just a nightmare."_

A hand lightly shakes my shoulder and I look up with sleepy eyes.

"Tori?" I grumble, blinking to refocus my vision. A quick scan of the room tells me I'm in Beck's trailer. I lock eyes with the person who woke me and see Beck looking at me with a confused frown. He tucks a piece of hair out of my face.

"No, I'm Beck," he says sarcastically and gives me a half smile. I swallow and rub my eyes, sinking back into the mattress.

"You wanna talk about it?" Beck asks, yawning.

"Talk about what?"

"The nightmare."

The nightmare? Visions of my dream hit me like a ton of bricks. I look over at Beck and purse my lips together. Why would I dream about that? About _Vega_? I blink, trying to gather my thoughts.

"No." I tell Beck.

"Okay," He says, rolling over and yawning again. "I'm right here."

I lay looking up at the ceiling as I try to recall the events of the nightmare. Dating Vega. Getting hurt. Vega's dad-. Wait! _Dating Vega?_ I take a deep breath and try to brush it off. What a dumb dream.

* * *

It's really awkward. Really, really awkward. I'm sitting here at the lunch table and all I can think about is how incredibly awkward this feels. I have to remind myself that she doesn't know about the dream. I scoot closer to Beck and he wraps an arm around my shoulders.

"Guys, I had the craziest dream last night!" Tori says, stabbing a piece of lettuce with her fork.

I freeze mid bite and lock eyes with her. _There is no way that she had the same dream. That's crazy. _I tell myself. My heart is on overdrive and I'm pretty sure I might actually be sweating.

"Oh, I love dreams!" Cat interjects, that trademark smile stuck on her face. "One time, I had a dream that I was riding a butterfly!"

"Yay?" Tori says. "Anyways, I had a dream that Andre got a record deal!"

Oxygen fills my lungs again. I don't hear what anyone else says after that. I feel like that was a close call. I must be being paranoid because I could swear someone is reading my mind right now. _Think about scissors. Think about scissors._

"I need to use the restroom," I grumble to Beck. I get up, toss my untouched food in the trash bin, and navigate my way to the janitor's closet without looking back.

* * *

I close the door behind me and breathe in the bleach and lemon fumes. _What is wrong with you, West? It was just a dream. Get over it._

I continue with the pointless self encouragement until I see a little tube of chapstick in the closet corner.

"_Jade! What if someone comes in here?"_

"_Oh I'm sure someone will randomly walk into the janitor's closet."_

"_The janitor!"_

_I push her up against the wall and silence her with a kiss. She squeals in surprise and kisses me back, her eyes falling shut and her hands resting on my waist. _

"_Hold on, Jade," she says, pulling away and fishing something out of her pocket._

"_Chapstick?" I say sarcastically. "You sure know how to ruin the mood."_

"_The mood is always there, Jade," she says with a wink, and runs the chapstick over her lips in two quick strokes. I roll my eyes and pull her in for another kiss._

I slide down the wall and grab a fistful of my hair. I look around nervously to see if anyone else saw in my mind. I let out a long sigh and sit in silence until I hear the jiggling of the closet doorknob.

Something inside me hopes that maybe it's Tori, but the door swings open and reveals otherwise.

"What are you doing here, kid?"

The janitor looks down at me and rests his broom against the wall.

"Cutting up your trashcans." I scowl at him, picking myself up and making my way back towards the lunch area.

"My trashcans are fine!" he yells after me.

"Check them again tomorrow!"

**AN: Thanks for reading! This one is not one of my favorites... Review still :)**


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